We (hereafter “I”) have updated our (hereafter “my”) Terms and Conditions. If you do not consent to them, you cannot continue to enjoy the privileges and perks of being friends with me, Patty (“In the friendship business for over sixty years!”TM). Benefits include unsolicited advice from Patty about why you should go on the keto diet; Patty’s Netflix password; long, repetitious monologues from her about whether she should paint her living room Cottage-Cheese White or Cocaine White; and an invitation to Patty and Larry’s annual Yom Kippur break-the-fast supper, at which Larry’s third cousin, the actor Pauly Shore, might stop by. If you do not wish to be bound by the new guidelines, you must return the Bundt pan that Patty lent you for one day only last year to make your special Very Merry Berry Monkey Bread.
By reading this far, you have consented to Patty’s updated Terms and Conditions.
You are now a Friend of a Friend of Patty’s Through Mutual Friend Lenora ($83 a year). This entitles you to run into Patty—perhaps at Amour De Hair, while crossing Lexington Avenue, or even at Lenora’s baby shower, where Patty will suggest that you two get together over a hot beverage sometime. If you would like Patty to say this sincerely, there is an additional charge of $300 (plus a $13 processing fee). In the event that she hires an assistant, you’ll have to tip the assistant something, too. If, instead, you would like to substitute the above for the opportunity to chat with Patty from time to time during the Vamps Vamping on the Tramp cardio class that you both attend three mornings a week, you must fill out Form 4359A and return it somewhere. If you do not understand this, it is still valid.
Your membership comes with an option to upgrade to a higher level. For reasons having to do with international intellectual property rights and the Monroe Doctrine, the only details about this level that can be revealed here are that it costs $27 per month and that you have been a subscriber for the past nine years.
By not checking the invisible box above, you have agreed to receive Patty’s Acquaintances-with-Benefits newsletter. As one of hundreds of names on her contact list, you will receive cc e-mail blasts whenever Patty changes her address or phone number, as well as texts and other e-mails—many, many of them, sometimes the same one over and over, asking for donations to causes and candidates Patty likes. In the event that you die, you still cannot unsubscribe.
Because you neglected to opt out of the Exploitation Rider (sent three months ago to your defunct e-mail address), you have granted Patty the right to reap exorbitant profits by selling your data, including the secret that you confided to Patty about your doing it with Lenora’s husband. Hulu will be turning the story into a miniseries as soon as Benedict Cumberbatch signs his Terms of Use agreement. Your Friendship level does not include access to my Hulu password, nor Larry’s.
By continuing to breathe, you have been rewarded with Friendship Tenure. This accolade is free of charge but comes with obligations. Among them, you must allow Patty’s mother to stay with you when she’s in town next week because Patty’s apartment isn’t big enough. You must also co-sign Patty’s new mortgage because her credit rating would otherwise prevent her from buying the spacious apartment that she desires but can’t afford.
Patty retains the right to replace a Tenured Friend with an A.I., pull the plug (yours) if you are too sick to put on makeup, and call you a bitch on the Senate floor.
Force Majeure: Patty is allowed to cancel plans if the weather report is dire, including a 16% or greater chance of drizzle, or if she sees a lanternfly.
As a Tenured Friend, you are eligible to join the Inner Circle, “Patty’s Navy Seals of Friends”TM. This coterie of Patty’s most intimate friends comes with unlimited Bundt-pan-borrowing privileges. Membership is restricted to only a few lucky individuals. Oh, wait. The last slot was snagged by Lenora when she heard that you were eligible.
Security Measures: In an airplane, you must put Patty’s oxygen mask on (Patty) before assisting yourself or the flight attendant. If a vampire attacks when Patty is at your house, she has the right to feed your kitten, Fuzzypants, to it. If the vampire is still hungry, Patty can offer it your leg (from the knee down). If Patty feels insecure about looking like a bonobo when she smiles, you must lie and tell her that she looks like Julia Roberts.
Responsible Conduct: Under no circumstances shall you throw a surprise party for Patty, even if Larry swears that Patty would love one despite what she has said many times. The penalty for committing this serious crime is severe. See Section 12: Termination of Friendship. Also see Section 13—the “Et tu, Brute?” Disclaimer of Warranties: Breaking Up with Larry.
Third-Party Terms and Conditions: Patty’s mother will be arriving this afternoon and likes bacon in her egg salad. ♦
