Hey, you! Welcome to the little corner of Cosmo that we call Free Therapy. We're glad you're here. This is where we take reader questions—about family feuds, work woes, friendship fiascos, mental health headaches, and everything in between—and get answers on how to deal from our advice columnist extraordinaire, therapist Minaa B.
If you need help setting boundaries, standing up to your boss, or finding the right words when talking to your toxic mom...you're in the right place. And if you've got questions of your own for Minaa, send 'em right here: [email protected]. No health insurance (or $$$ at all, for that matter) required.
Dear Minaa,
I recently went home for my sister’s birthday party, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that my older brother still acts like a teenager—and treats me like I’m still one too. (For the record, he’s 27 and I’m 22.) Just one example: In the middle of the party, he put me in a headlock. He also called me by my childhood nickname the entire time.
No matter how much I avoid or ignore him, he’s constantly trying to bring me down to his level with remarks like, “Do Mom and Dad know you’re drinking?” (again, I’m 22) and “Still want me to turn the lights on in the basement before you go down there?” He also leaves dirty dishes around the house for my mom to clean up, and when she asked him to help set up for my sister’s party, he did the bare minimum, opting to spend most of the morning watching College GameDay from the living room couch.
Yet somehow, my parents don’t seem fazed that he hasn’t shed his frat-boy persona. He still lives rent-free at home and relies heavily on them for financial support. Meanwhile, although I’m the youngest child, I have a career, an apartment, and a life of my own. Yet...I’m still practically a baby in his eyes—and it’s starting to mess with how I see myself.
What’s it going to take for him to finally grow up and treat me as a fully functioning adult?
Dear Reader,
It’s possible that your brother does recognize that you’re an adult. But as an older sibling, he may still think of you a certain way, kind of like how a parent might say, “You’ll always be my baby.” When we’re kids, the people who take care of us—including siblings—often dictate most of our choices. And as we grow up, it can be hard for those same people to see us as peers. Your brother may think he’s just being playful with his little sister in the way he’s always been, and that could be coming from a place of love.
Have you clearly communicated that you don’t like the way he treats you? Ignoring him isn’t enough—you have to say it explicitly. Try speaking up—in language that makes sense in terms of how you two usually engage—by starting with something like, “Hey, bro, this really isn’t funny.” However you choose to phrase it, your message should boil down to, “I don’t like this.” Once you explain what your boundaries are, don’t be afraid to repeat them consistently so he can get into the habit of recognizing that you’re serious. If he apologizes and changes his ways, great. If he doesn’t seem to get it, try asking him to reflect: “Why are you surprised by me acting like an adult?”
If that still doesn’t work and you get the sense he doesn’t have the emotional maturity to be understanding, that’s where consequences come into play. You can determine what you need to do to feel comfortable around him. And if that doesn’t work, time apart is always an option.
Of course, there’s another emotional side to this, especially because it sounds like complex family dynamics are involved. It could be that you’re experiencing resentment toward your brother for doing the bare minimum while you have a full life that’s going unrecognized—and yet you’re still expected to help out at home. I would ask yourself: Do you feel unseen by your parents, who are caring for him in ways that you might wish to be cared for? Do you feel like your bids for attention and praise are overshadowed by his constant babying of you? While your brother is leaving dirty dishes around and kicking his feet up, what are you supposed to be doing?
The important thing here is that it’s worth remembering you can’t control others—you can’t dictate your brother’s growth, and his failure to launch has no bearing on you. What you can control is what your boundaries are.
It is possible to accept that your brother’s immature tendencies and actions aren’t a personal attack—they are simply a reflection of him and his current journey. Coming to terms with this can help you move from a place of annoyance to radical acceptance and, ultimately, peace. His circumstances and the qualities he lacks aren’t your responsibility. Rather, you should focus on being the adult you’d like to be seen as.
Your way ahead is to drop the belief that your brother should know better. And remember that maturity looks like speaking up and stating your needs—not just your accomplishments and successes.
Minaa B. is the author of Owning Our Struggles, a licensed social worker, and a mental health educator. She operates a mental health consulting practice that assists organizations in developing psychological safety. She also shares resources on how to develop healthy relationships in her Substack newsletter, Mindfl With Minaa. She lives in NYC.
